


star clusters? (no, the flowers)

by uwujii



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with no happy ending, Hanahaki Disease, Jealousy, Late Confessions, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, feelings are messy, star tear disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:22:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28915305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uwujii/pseuds/uwujii
Summary: A little jealousy could cause so much wreckage.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 5
Kudos: 32





	star clusters? (no, the flowers)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is a rewrite of [Starclusters](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27401221) my work from Haikyuu angst Week 2020! 
> 
> This is longer though, and much more in-depth of both Kenma and Kuroo's feelings :] 
> 
> They're both messy and all over the place, like how most feelings are :>
> 
> I hope you enjoy the 11.5k fic that I didn't expect to be this long! :D

Growing up together, knowing each other at the back of their hands, being by each other's side through the ups and downs, learning each other's secrets, and being inseparable, falling in love was inevitable for the both of them.

Kenma realized he was in love with Kuroo when he heard him sing The Periodic Table Song by AsapSCIENCE without him gagging, but instead, he hummed along as he played on his PSP while they were on their way home. At first, he thought it was just because Kuroo was singing it too much around him that it got stuck in his head. But when he started to mumble the lyrics while he was going through his notes for an exam, he was reminded of Kuroo, and he found himself smiling fondly. _A song about the periodic table, figures._

Kuroo, on the other hand, didn't have a moment of realization. He just _knew._ He knew being with Kenma for most of his life would eventually turn into something. The possibilities for everything being platonic was out there, but in his case, that was impossible. When he felt excited to meet Kenma for a usual hang out — something they do almost every single day, all he said was, _"oh,"_ and smiled to himself. It was weird for him because he knew he would fall for his best friend, and it didn't come off as a surprise like some people.

The whole Nekoma team knew about their feelings for each other but them. They especially knew about the continuous denial and exhausting pinning (on the team's part — every longing look from Kuroo made them lose a year of their lives). Sometimes, even Lev would make it too obvious, and neither of them would get it and deny whatever anyone was implying.

It was painful to look at, really.

Yaku would tell Kuroo to confess, to "get it over with, it's getting annoying." But Kuroo didn't want to make Kenma feel uncomfortable with a confession from his best friend. Kuroo thought of the possibilities; sure, it could end well, and Kenma would reciprocate his feelings, but there was also the possibility of ruining their friendship if Kenma didn't feel the same. Their friendship was something he wasn't willing to risk. He knew how Kenma reacted to confessions, he had received a few from the past, and he never knew how to deal with it. So, to Yaku's dismay, Kuroo always rejects his suggestion. He didn't want Kenma to feel like Kuroo was something he had to "deal" with.

Kenma never had Yaku tell him to confess, but instead, he had their resident skyscraper, Lev Haiba, pestering him. Kenma had always been silent when it came to his feelings towards his captain, but sometimes, the tall middle blocker notices more than the usual Nekoma player. Lev sometimes lives up to their name as cats; observant.

It starts with, "Kenma-san, you always look at Kuroo-san like that," paired with big green curious eyes. Then it ends with, "it's nothing. I look at him like everyone else, nothing special."

Kenma likes to lie about it. He likes to deny Lev's accusations, and he even goes the extra mile to tell Yaku that it was time for Lev's receive practice for the conversation to not continue. Even if Kenma did plan to tell Kuroo how he felt, he doesn't know what to say and when to do it, and the anxiety from getting rejected by his best friend didn't sit well with him. In fear, he lies, denies, and changes the topic. He didn't want to burden Kuroo with his feelings, he was the team captain, and he was graduating the next year. His priorities shouldn't be on Kenma's love for him.

Even with the way things were, the team didn't force anything with the two. They only watched (in pain), and the third years had to deal with all of Kuroo's rants and tangents about Kenma. Lev, along with Fukunaga and Inouka (and sometimes Yamamoto), would try to know more about Kenma's feelings that they assume exist, but they never get a proper response.

Between the two of them, there were no problems. They acted the way they always do, they never made anything weird towards one another, even with the whole volleyball team thinking otherwise, and they passed the caring gestures as "we've been best friends for years." It was just: Kuroo and Kenma, best friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

* * *

"Star clusters? Do you mean when the stars are in a large group?" Kuroo asks, looking up from the chemistry book in his hands to look at Kenma, who was on his bed, going through his social media while the owner of the room was on the floor.

"No, the flowers," Kenma shows him his screen, and Kuroo puts his book down to bend over and reach until he could see the picture of flowers on Kenma's phone. "What about them?" Kuroo looks at Kenma then at the screen again, examining the pretty flowers as its owner continued to hold the phone up for him.

"Nothing, it looks pretty. Shoyo sent me a picture Yachi saw on one of her trips with her mom," Kenma shrugs, his eyes on the ceiling as his hand was still in front of Kuroo to show the picture. Kuroo was able to hide the frown that appeared on his face for a split second at the mention of Hinata by replacing it with one of his smirks, "they're coming to visit for a few days, right? The Karasuno first years."

Kenma nods and Kuroo sees a notification pop up at the top of the screen; he tried harder to suppress the frown that so badly wanted to appear on his face. Hinata had sent him a message, "speaking of Karasuno, Hinata just texted. You better check that," he turns and sits on the floor again and grabs his book and attempts to read, but there's a feeling in his chest that distracted him.

"They just arrived. I'm going to meet them. You wanna come?" Kenma asks, rolling over to the edge of the bed, where Kuroo was leaning. He looked at the page Kuroo was in and rose his brow, "you've been on that page for the past thirty minutes."

Kuroo closed the book, the feeling in his chest still not gone, but he continued to act like nothing was wrong. "There was something I couldn't wrap my head around, but let's go meet the little crows," he stands up and offers his hand for Kenma to reach and for him to help him up. "Is Tsukki coming?" Kuroo asks as he puts the book on his table.

Kenma turns his head at him; now, _he_ had the same feeling in his chest. He didn't like it, not one bit. "Yeah, _all_ the first years," he was able to hide the sarcasm in his voice by walking across the room to the door. "Let's go. We can't keep them waiting."

* * *

A week after the first years' visit, Kuroo noticed that everything Kenma talked about during practice was Hinata. Shoyo this, Shoyo that, it was annoying Kuroo. However, he'd hide his annoyance by bickering with Yaku more and more and helping out the first years to distract himself. Sometimes, he mentioned Tsukishima's blocking to them and that they had to look out for it.

Now _that_ was when Kenma felt annoyed. Tsukki this, Tsukki that, he's my disciple, and all that. Kenma wanted him to shut up about it, but he didn't want to speak up because he was giving good advice to the team's next-generation blockers. So, he let the annoyance simmer inside of him.

"Kenma, are you okay?" Kuroo asks one afternoon as they walked home. Kenma had been exceptionally quiet the whole time during practice; not even a single complaint about Lev's spikes came from him nor a groan in annoyance when he was being made to run around to set the ball.

_You kept talking about Tsukishima all week._

"Yeah, just tired," Kenma answered, his eyes not leaving his phone screen. As much as Kenma wanted to say what was on his mind, he knew it would cause problems if he was going to. He and Kuroo were nothing but best friends; if he brought up Tsukishima in such a way, it would make things weird. Kenma knew he was getting jealous of the middle blocker's constant mention, but Tsukishima was just Kuroo's student, and he should be sure of that. But with every proud smile Kuroo wore with every mention of him, it made Kenma's mind and heart think otherwise.

Kuroo looked over to Kenma's screen, and a notification popped up. He saw Hinata's name, and the frown that he'd been trying to hide all day forced its way to Kuroo's lips. Then, Kuroo had an idea. There was one thing that always made Kenma feel excited and interested that weren't video games: Hinata Shoyo. Forcing a smile, "how are the crows? I'm sure Hinata blows up your phone from time to time."

Kuroo watched as a smile formed on Kenma's lips, one that he rarely ever gets to see, and he always wishes he gets to — but only for him. Kenma looks up at Kuroo, and he makes sure that his smile is still on his face, "Shoyo's been texting me about the things he's learned from training camp and improving their attacks during practice."

Training Camp.

It had been a while since then, but Kuroo still remembers how Kenma looked at someone without panic and worry; he was excited to meet Hinata when they arrived. Kuroo remembers the annoyance he felt when he saw them walking around together and even stayed in the same room before going to bed in their respective rooms, but he put the well being and development of Kenma over what he was feeling.

"Oh? That's great. It looks like they're getting better. Do you think they'll visit again? I sorta wanna know if Tsukki's gotten better the next time we'll meet. I have to give him pointers if he wants to be the best, you know?" Kuroo tells him, and Kenma rolls his eyes at the nth mention of Tsukishima. "You could ask him. You have his number, remember?"

Kenma regrets saying that. Kuroo and Tsukishima haven't been talking a lot, but now that he's said that, there was a possibility that they could get closer. Kenma could handle from Kuroo teaching Tsukishima how to block, to him telling the lower years about him for them to be prepared, and them meeting every now and then, but the thought of them talking every day and eventually getting as close as they both were? Kenma couldn't.

But he didn't take it back.

"Oh, right! I totally forgot," Kuroo exclaims as he took out his phone. Kenma ignored how Kuroo was happily typing away, getting annoyed at himself and the male next to him. So, he put all his attention into talking to Hinata about his situation. It was an impulsive confession, but Kenma was fed up with hearing Tsukishima's name all week, and he couldn't just keep it to himself, so he told Hinata everything.

Telling Hinata felt like a weight was lifted from his chest, but the uneasy feeling of jealousy was still lingering around him. Hinata listened to all Kenma's rants and even reacted to some of the moments Kenma shared. Although Kenma seemed like he'd take an interest in Hinata as Kuroo thinks, he would never look at anyone else but Kuroo to be a romantic partner. Hinata was just his friend he could trust, nothing more.

This caused them to be closer, but this also made Kuroo notice something about Kenma. Kenma spent all his time on his phone talking to Hinata, sometimes, not even noticing Kuroo whenever he called for him. His phone was always in his hands with a fond smile on his face, and sometimes, Kenma laughed. Kenma never laughed at Kuroo's jokes, even the good ones, and then suddenly, he's laughing at their text messages. Kuroo knew he was talking to Hinata; there wouldn't be anyone else that made Kenma do all those things.

Getting a bit hurt and annoyed simultaneously was something Kuroo never expected to feel towards Kenma. He didn't like the feeling; he felt like he was betraying his best friend in some way, that him being happy with a new friend and him not liking it was restricting of him. Most importantly, though he and Kenma were just best friends, they had no label on their names that would prove that they were more than what they say. Kuroo felt like he didn't have the right to get jealous over something Kenma was clearly happy about.

_Why does it sting?_

Seeing Kenma being happy talking to Hinata was like a double-edged sword. He was glad that Kenma was gaining new friends and was getting comfortable with someone else, but he didn't like how close they were getting. Kuroo felt like he would be replaced by Hinata, not just as a best friend, but something that he's been longing to be with Kenma for a long time.

He and Tsukishima frequently talked since Kenma mentioned that they could do that, but it was only about volleyball. Tsukishima would ask questions, and Kuroo answered them along with sarcastic remarks, and that was it. But after seeing Kenma being happy with Hinata, he felt lost in a way. Kuroo didn't think when he contacted Tsukishima one night, and it concerned nothing about volleyball, but about Kenma.

Kuroo figured he'd already knawed off Kai and Yaku's ears with all his rants and tangents about Kenma, so he just went with hoping to talk to someone like Tsukishima. A first-year who probably didn't care about his crumbling romance — though he surprisingly listened. Tsukishima didn't give advice or comments; he just let Kuroo go on and on. It was all so weird for Kuroo, but when he asked why he hasn't ended the call, Tsukishima only answered with, "I oddly relate, so continue, Kuroo-san."

So Kuroo did. He had Tsukishima to talk to whenever he noticed something odd with Kenma, and when he felt like something was going wrong between them, it gave a sense of comfort in Kuroo. He wasn't given the yelling from Yaku and the sighs from Kai. Tsukishima just listened to him — he eventually learned that he was only listening because he gets reminded of Yamaguchi, but Kuroo didn't mind.

Kenma wasn't blind; he noticed something was off when Kuroo started opening up to Tsukishima. He saw his best friend be on the phone more often, the constant call for his name was getting scarce, and his doting best friend wasn't doting like usual anymore. Kenma could only blame himself for what was happening; he did tell him about contacting Tsukishima. He figured out that he was talking to him when he looked over to his phone during practice and saw his name on top of the screen, and it was apparent when he started to talk about Tsukishima in and out of practice continuously.

For two weeks of this going on, both of them noticed that everything was slowly changing. They hung out in each other's rooms, but there were more silence and tension caused by their jealousy rather than them talking, and during practice, it was as if the names Hinata and Tsukishima were all they talked about. It came to a point where they used those names out of spite, to provoke the other. It worked, but in the worst possible ways.

"Hey Kuroo, you don't talk about Kenma anymore. Are you guys okay?" Kai asks while they put the equipment back in the storage room. Kuroo frowned, so it _was_ obvious that something was wrong. "Just been busy, I guess? The lower years are getting better at blocking, and Kenma's been trying sets. Exams are around the corner too. We're fine, Kai." His friend looks at him before sighing, "you guys don't seem okay, though. Everyone can notice the tension when the Karasuno first years are mentioned."

"It's nothing. It's probably the tension between teams, not us," Kuroo denies. He feels Kai give up, and he thanks the gods that it wasn't Yaku who talked to him. If the Libero did, Kuroo wouldn't be able to leave the room without telling the truth. Kuroo turns around to leave the room, but Kai speaks up again before he steps out, "you should tell him you like him. You're obviously jealous."

Jealous. Something he's been feeling for a while now, but he's never heard it come from anyone's mouth, accuse of him being so, even. It annoys him and gives Kai a look he doesn't often give, and he walks out of the room. Something about hearing it rubbed him the wrong way, even though he knew it was exactly what he was feeling. Seeing Kenma on his phone as soon as he got out proved it, there was a pained feeling in his chest.

"Kenma, let's go," Kuroo calls, and Kenma looks up at him and notices that there's something wrong. He gets worried, but he doesn't say anything until they're left alone after they part ways with everyone at the intersection, "Kuro," Kenma calls, and Kuroo's heart skips a beat at the sound of his nickname. He looks down at Kenma, and the setter gives him a worried look, "you okay?"

Kenma could have been jealous of Tsukishima for the past two weeks and has been using Hinata's name to spite him in a way, but if ever there was something wrong with Kuroo, Kenma was ready to ask. The raven exhaled, "just tired. We've been doing so much lately, I'm always beat."

Kenma moves his head to look forward, his previous thought of being there for Kuroo was out the window, and the thought of Tsukishima filled his mind, "you know you could sleep earlier if you didn't talk to Tsukishima so late." Kenma rethinks what he had said, but there's nothing he could do now that it was out in the open. Kuroo furrows his brows at him, "I could say the same with you and Hinata. Your eye bags got worse." None of their comments had a joking tone, they were both serious, and it was what made the tension in the air thicken.

They were quiet the entire walk home. Kenma was occupied with his thoughts, irritated. He was nice enough to ask Kuroo if he was okay, yet he received a reply like that. Kuroo had never acted that way towards him and Hinata; he was always supportive whenever it came to that. He wonders if it was because of his and Tsukishima's constant contact. He wonders if Kuroo was getting tired of being friends with him after getting closer to Tsukishima. He wonders when he'll get replaced by him.

He was probably exaggerating the whole situation, but with the sudden changes in atmospheres between them, a huge fight could come up at any moment, and their friendship could be in jeopardy. Kenma knows that he's not the easiest friend to be with, he's shy, doesn't like to socialize, and tries to do everything to avoid it, and now that Kuroo's getting closer to Tsukishima, he feels like he's being taken away from him. The only person that Kenma knew he could trust with anything, the person who kept pushing him into things so he'd get comfortable, the person who he knew from the back of his hand, the person he loved.

He hated that he didn't know what to do with their situation. This wasn't something he could fix in a video game, nor something he could restart and try again. It was an ongoing level that he had no power and knowledge over. He still firmly believed that Kuroo had only looked at him as a friend, and now that he was always talking to Tsukishima, the level of being more than just friends with Kuroo was locked and wasn't allowed for him to enter.

They went home without saying good night. Kuroo went straight to his room; he regrets what he had said. He felt guilty for saying that out of jealousy and his bad mood from earlier, Kenma was just worried because he noticed something, and he couldn't even answer his question properly. That was the worst atmosphere they had ever been in; it was quiet and uneasy, something they had never felt around each other until now.

It was frustrating to both of them. They didn't know what to do or how to deal with their feelings. They were both afraid of being replaced by the middle blockers from Karasuno, but they still continued to talk to them as a way of expressing how they felt. Hinata had told Kenma to talk it out with Kuroo, and Tsukishima had only listened to Kuroo's rants. Kenma didn't want to talk to Kuroo because at some point, he knew he would be forced to confess, and with all that's happening, Kenma didn't want to make things worse.

They let it be, though. Kuroo didn't know if he'd make the situation worse, and Kenma didn't really know how to navigate feelings. They only knew that they were feeling jealous over things they could talk about, but they refused to because they weren't sure how the confrontation would go. Their jealousy evolved with pain, and neither of them fully acknowledged it until,

"I'm meeting up with Tsukki."

Kenma looks up from his game, his expression looking uninterested, but his heart pounding, "Shoyo didn't say anything about visiting again with the other first years." Kuroo felt his chest tighten as he pocketed his hands forming into fists; _The first thing he mentions is Hinata._ "It's just me and Tsukki. He asked for extra help, he didn't tell Hinata about it because he and Kageyama were practicing, but I think you know that already."

Kenma could feel the unnecessary attack at the end but let it pass because of the sheer panic he felt as Kuroo was fixing his jacket in front of the mirror. He only looked and nodded, "okay." He didn't know what else to say, was he supposed to stop him? He didn't think he had the right to. They were just going to practice blocks, weren't they?

"I'll be going then. Enjoy your game," Kuroo waves as he leaves Kenma's room. There was something wrong; _Kuro always asked me to tag along whenever he goes somewhere._ The room was silent; only the game on Kenma's PC saying _'game over'_ could be heard. Kenma turns off the PC and walks over to his bed, and he lays there. His chest hurt, and his eyes felt heavy. He felt disappointed that he didn't stop him; he looked up at his ceiling until the heaviness in his eyes eventually did its job and made him sleep.

Kuroo wanted him to ask more questions, ask if he could come, or even wonder why Kuroo hadn't told him sooner. He wanted Kenma to stop him because, in truth, he wasn't meeting Tsukishima at all. It was a test, and it seemed like Kenma was fine with Kuroo being with Tsukishima. He frowned as he walked around the neighborhood to pass the time; _Maybe he's talking to Hinata right now._

Kenma woke up with tears in his eyes. He sat up, confused. He didn't have dreams from his nap, so what could he be crying about? And why wouldn't it stop? He wiped the tears away, but it kept coming and — there was a sound. It sounded like hushed twinkling. He looked around to see where the sound was coming from, and he saw that the sky had turned dark from the last time he's seen it, Kuroo and Tsukishima still being together crossed Kenma's mind. Somehow, it caused the tears to stream down his face uncontrollably. He was confused; why was he still crying, and where were the sounds coming from?

He looked down at his fingers after wiping the tears away. He furrowed his brows as he saw pink. Aren't tears supposed to be transparent?

* * *

Kuroo noticed something was wrong with Kenma the week after. He would squint his eyes more often, space out, and make more confused and frustrated faces during practice and playing video games. Kuroo could only assume that he was playing too long on his gadgets, and his eyes were getting tired, and so did his body, and that maybe Kenma hadn't gotten enough sleep hence his confused and frustrated expressions. He could deduct until that, and to an outsider, it would have been a good and enough reason and drop it. But this was Kuroo, and this was Kenma.

If there was something wrong with Kenma, Kuroo would notice right away. Now this time, he was a bit more hesitant to ask Kenma what was wrong. Not with how their friendship was somewhere on thin ice. Just the idea of it made Kuroo doubt asking Kenma anything, thinking that if he opened his mouth like last time, he'd make everything worse. So, he never asked. As much as it bugged him, he convinced himself that the deductions he made were enough reason why Kenma was acting that way. It bothered him, but he let it all play out like nothing was wrong.

Walking to school together, eating lunch together, meeting after school at the gym, and going home; the Kuroo and Kenma routine. But this time, something was wrong, and they didn't know how to fix it because they didn't know what exactly caused it. Kuroo could dissect situations, and Kenma could go over scenarios, but none of those functioned right now. Kuroo always helped Kenma in hard situations, and Kenma would point out things that Kuroo had looked over. But neither of them were anywhere near in the position to do that at the moment.

Kuroo let it continue for a week. Kenma had been acting the same, and it worried him. Squinting, frustrated expressions, and sometimes mumbling to himself. He didn't know what to ask Kenma because, for one, he was always on his phone talking to Hinata. The jealousy in his chest had completely taken over at this point, and with every sight he saw of Kenma talking to Hinata, his blood would boil, and he'd either tell Tsukishima or distract himself with practice. Second, they had acted like nothing was wrong or off between them even when they _knew_ there was. He never knew when to ask the question, and the fear of making it worse still lingered in his mind. They still went with the routine; they talked now and then, but not the same as before. But overall, it was as if nothing was wrong.

Until Kenma didn't go to school for a day without telling Kuroo anything, his teachers, classmates, and the team asked Kuroo what happened, and for the first time, Kuroo didn't know what to answer. It worried the team, especially because Kuroo always knew what was happening to Kenma. He knew what he wanted to do, what he was thinking; he knew everything. He was the Kenma encyclopedia, but for the first time in their years of being best friends, Kuroo had nothing.

 _That_ did a number on Kuroo. The realization of their friendship falling out so suddenly caused Kuroo's chest to hurt immensely. He was probably overthinking it; _Kenma could have just fallen sick,_ he tried to tell himself. But Kenma was fine just yesterday, and he wasn't showing signs that he was feeling under the weather. It was only the frustrated look on his face, and his game wasn't in his hands like usual. Kuroo was deep in thought for a few minutes until coach Naoi called for him. _Right, even without Kenma, we still have to practice._

Kenma couldn't see the colors well. In his eyes, the streets, the school, the gym, friends, Kuroo, were all patchy colored. What was once in full colors were now patchy and lacked saturation; it started with pink, then red. He saw the flowers around the streets; they were no longer bright pink, they turned pastel. Then, the Nekoma uniforms were slowly turning light pink. That was why Kenma always looked frustrated during practice. He couldn't concentrate on tossing the ball when everything else was vibrant except the pinks and reds around them. Although his sets were like usual, his mind wasn't.

The tears had continuously come ever since Kuroo let him be. Kenma could feel the disinterest from Kuroo, especially when Kenma knew that Kuroo _knew_ there was something wrong. Kenma was waiting for the "Kenma, are you okay?" But it never came, and Kenma wasn't always the kind of person to openly tell someone that something was wrong, and Kuroo knew that. So Kenma felt deserted and unwanted, even though they acted normal but not. The air was always thick, and they weren't talking like usual anymore. Walks to school and rides on the train had turned silent, and only the sound from Kenma's PSP was the only thing making noise. But now, Kenma couldn't even play properly. He was too bothered by what was happening to his eyes.

Kenma wasn't one to express his feelings verbally or physically. No one has ever seen him shed a tear, not even Kuroo. But recently, only the four walls of his bedroom has seen him cry, and with every tear shed, there were pigments that Kenma couldn't understand and hushed twinkles around his room every time it happened. When Kuroo had stopped acting like his doting best friend, that was when Kenma realized that something had really changed, that his attention was no longer on him, and he assumed that it was now on Tsukishima. _That_ caused his continuous tears.

It was the first time Kenma had cried over Kuroo. He had never made Kenma feel this hurt to the point that he'd cry these odd tears. In fact, Kuroo never gave him a reason to be hurt at all. But now, Kenma had shed tears every other night when he couldn't get himself to continue playing his game. Kenma acted like nothing was wrong, and he had hoped that Kuroo would read through him. Kuroo was always good at that, but this was the first time he didn't, that he chose not to. It hurt the setter tremendously. He was so used to Kuroo knowing and noticing, but now that he wasn't, it made Kenma have to deal with something that he shouldn't have alone.

He went to get his eyes checked.

He didn't tell anyone about it, especially Kuroo, now that their situation had gotten into something worse than it already was. As much as he wanted Kuroo to ask about him, he didn't want Kuroo to worry when he mentioned the hospital. He figured Kuroo wouldn't mind even when he didn't tell him because he had acted like he couldn't notice anything for the past weeks. So, he skipped school to get his eyes checked.

He waited patiently in the doctor's office. He never liked the hospital; the only time he was there was when his mother collapsed from overworking herself, and Kuroo accompanied him there because he knew he didn't like it there. He sighed at the white walls that surrounded him along with the clean white desk on the side with a vase of pink hydrangeas on it, which he only assumed to be vibrant because the color that he could see had turned into a very pale pink. It had gotten worse.

"Kozume Kenma?" A woman entered the room, and Kenma turned his head to the doctor. She smiled at him before she sat on her chair and faced Kenma, who was sitting across the table, "what seems to be the problem?"

"Um, whenever I cry, there's a sound coming from somewhere. Something like hushed twinkles, and when I start crying, my tears aren't transparent. They have colors. The first time it happened, my tears were pink," Kenma saw how her smile had dropped right after he had told her everything. Kenma was scared; she was frowning about something that he said. 

"Kozume-san, what colors are my hydrangeas?" She asks, and Kenma doesn't look at it and immediately replies, "pale pink." He hears a soft gasp, "are you perhaps in love, Kozume-san?" Kuroo's face flashes in Kenma's mind, and he looks down at his hands. He nods slightly, embarrassed of the sudden confession, he doesn't have the guts to ask why she asked, but she answers the question in his head with another question.

"Have you heard of the Star Tear Disease, Kozume-san?"

Kenma looks up at her, the frown is still on her face, and there's a sympathetic look in her eyes. "No," he answers, and the doctor leans on the table. "If you've heard of the Hanahaki Disease, this is the safe alternative for it. It is not as known because we usually have rare cases. It is born from unrequited love as well, you will not die from this disease like Hanahaki, but instead, your sight will be affected. It is accompanied by hushed twinkling sounds. With every tear you shed, and with every color, that is the pigment from the colors you used to see. So when you first saw pink tears, that's the pigment slipping away from your eyes. Hence, my pale pink hydrangeas. The solution is the same, reciprocated love, and if not cured, you will end up color blind or lose your sight altogether."

Kenma was nothing but surprised and scared; he was unable to process everything that she had said. _I'm going to be color blind? Or worse, completely blind? And I can only cure this if Kuroo loves me back. But Kuroo has his eyes on Tsukishima._

"I'm so sorry, Kozume-san."

Kenma's mind was going overdrive. How was he going to deal with this? How was he going to stop this? He'll end up color blind or blind. How was he supposed to tell his parents? How was he going to tell Kuroo? Was he going to tell Kuroo? Wouldn't that make things awkward, especially with everything going on? What was he—

"Is there an operation to be done like Hanahaki?" Kenma asks, even though his mind was running laps. The doctor shook her head, "I'm sorry, there isn't. Either you become color blind or get the person you love, love you back."

Kenma could feel the tears threatening to spill from his eyes, and he knew he couldn't stop it when the twinkling started. The doctor handed him a box of tissues and excused herself to leave the room so he could be alone, and there, Kenma sobbed quietly. He hated crying in public, but the tears weren't something he could stop and force back in. The realization that his situation was unrequited love, and that he was unable to tell Kuroo how he felt even when he really wanted to, and most importantly, their once inseparable friendship was crumbling; it had all come crashing down on him.

He blamed himself for how it started. He hated that he wasn't able to tell Kuroo. He hated that he was the one who made him and Tsukishima start talking; he hated that he had let everything be. He could have done something, but he had always expected that Kuroo would do something instead of him. He could have been the first one to tell him how he felt, but he made reasons and avoided all of the confrontations, and now it had lead to this, he was going to be color blind, or worse, completely blind.

When he had finally calmed down, he made sure that there wouldn't be tears left. He looked at the tissue papers; they were stained with pink again. When he threw them in the trash bin, he looked at the hydrangeas to see how bad it had gotten. Kenma chuckled dryly, "oh."

The hydrangeas were white.

The doctor came back shortly after and talked to him for a few minutes before letting him go. He walked out of the office and walked through the halls but saw a familiar face on one of the benches outside. He stopped right in front of him, "Yaku?"

The third-year looks up, panic and worry written all over his eyes, "Kenma?" He asks, his voice shaky, something Kenma had never heard from him before. Kenma didn't know why, but panic washed over him, but he kept his composure; he had already lost it a while ago in the doctor's office. "What's wrong? Why are you here?"

"Why are _you_ here?" Yaku asks back, and Kenma thought of the least suspicious reason. "My mom had me go take allergy tests. I've had a few reactions," Kenma answers immediately, and Yaku furrows his brows, "doesn't Kuroo always come with you when you go to hospitals?"

"I had to go early and forgot to tell him, I was up all night playing games," Kenma lies; he hopes Yaku drops it because he knew of how he was always able to draw the truth out of someone. "Oh, okay. Um, don't worry, it's just my grandma, she collapsed, and I was called first. You should go home and rest."

Kenma blinks, then nods at him, "okay. I hope your grandma will get better." He was about to walk away when he stopped again, "Yaku, can I ask you a favor?" He looks at the Libero, who raises his brow, "what is it, Kenma?"

"Can you not tell Kuroo I went here alone? We're not.. in the best situation," it was awkward bringing up, and it made him feel uncomfortable just talking about it, especially with what he had just learned about himself just a while ago. He hoped Yaku's soft side would surface and give him mercy. His sigh was a sign that he would "fine. Just go home and rest up."

Kenma thanked him before walking out of the building. Yaku watched him, then pinched the bridge of his nose with another sigh. He looked at the doors of the occupied room in front of him, "these guys."

Inside the room was an unconscious Kuroo. He had a sudden coughing fit while he was blocking Yamamoto's spike, and he ended up collapsing on the ground with no pause or relief from his coughing until he blacked out. They rushed him to the hospital, and in the room were coach Naoi and Kai. Not only did Kuroo collapse and have a coughing fit, but he was also coughing out flowers. 

"You have Hanahaki, Kuroo-san," the doctor told him shortly after he woke up. Coach Naoi, Kai, and Yaku were inside the room with him. Kuroo blinked, then looked over to his friends, who had the same solemn looks. Kuroo didn't say anything, so the doctor continued, "I've told your friends and your coach here that your situation right now is the worst we've gotten. The flowers accumulated in your lungs are dangerously high. It seems you've had the disease for about a month or two."

Kuroo muted the doctor as his thoughts drifted off to somewhere else — someone else. _Kenma._ He wasn't here with them to check if he was okay. He was never admitted to the hospital, but he had always imagined Kenma to be there if ever he does; he imagined him sitting on one of the chairs playing his game or talking to him. They'd make fun of each other, but Kenma would eventually baby him when no one was looking. He had the whole scenario thought up, and it hurt that he was nowhere in sight—

"Kuroo!" Yaku exclaimed. Kuroo had begun coughing up flowers again, and more violently too. There was no blood, but the flowers coming out of his mouth made Yaku and Kai turn away in fear while coach Naoi looked at the captain of his team cough, hack, and gasp for air. The doctor helped him calm down, and eventually, it subsided, but the red _star clusters_ were scattered on his bed.

"Kuroo-san, you need to go through surgery immediately. Unless your feelings are reciprocated within two days, you will suffocate," the doctor told him, and he looked over to Kai and Yaku in panic. They knew it was Kenma, but they also knew that they couldn't just bring Kenma there.

Should he tell Kenma? Isn't he happy with Hinata? If he tells him about his feelings and doesn't feel the same and gets the surgery, it will only make Kenma feel guilty. Kuroo would survive, but Kenma would have to take all the blame, and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to burden Kenma like that; he knows that even with Kenma's personality, he would blame himself, and he wouldn't be happy with Hinata if Kuroo's surgery and feelings were weighing on him every day.

Kuroo sighed; he had decided. "I'll take the surgery."

"What?" Yaku spoke up, "shouldn't you maybe talk to Kenma first?" There was panic and worry in Yaku's eyes again; the sight of it made Kuroo chuckle in amusement. His chuckle made Yaku groan, "this isn't a laughing matter. Are you sure you want to take the surgery? He could like you back."

"He doesn't, Yaku. We haven't talked like we used to for weeks now. It's gotten tense and awkward. We were just acting the same so no one would ask. He likes Hinata, and I have to be supportive," his words were nothing like the smile on his face. It was truly heartbreaking to see. Yaku sat on the chair, "you really love him that much, huh?"

Love.

Yeah, he loves him this much to the point that he'd sacrifice his own feelings so he wouldn't cause problems to him and Hinata in the future. Hinata was able to bring out the things that Kuroo struggled with. Hinata made him interested in volleyball in ways Kuroo couldn't, he was able to make Kenma laugh and smile multiple times, and he would be able to make Kenma happy if ever they became a couple. He'd trade everything for Kenma's happiness, even his own.

It hurt to think about it. He had wanted to be with Kenma for so long, and he wished that he did more advancements than he already did. He wished he could have done more, that he could have told him that he liked him without the thought of making him feel uncomfortable. He wanted everything to go as planned in his head. He wished that before he would have his surgery, he would be able to tell him all the love he has for him, that every day, he's loved him and treasured him more than the Nekoma team knows. More than _he_ knows.

He wished he didn't get jealous, too. His jealousy of Hinata caused him to act in ways that he never would; he ignored how Kenma was acting, he let things be, and he let himself be dragged away in annoyance and anger. He let everything go on when he could have done something about it. He ruined their moments together with his jealousy.

He wished he didn't do any of those and just had the guts to confess like Yaku said.

"Yeah."

"Alright then, you'll be taking the surgery two days from now. I can give you cough drops for now, but you have to be here early in the morning on the day of the surgery," the doctor told him as he gives him a paper bag with his cough drops inside. "Naoi-san, I'll need his parents for him to be released." He turns to the coach, and they go outside, leaving the three third years in the room.

"You're really doing this?" Kai asks, and Kuroo nods. "Yeah, there's nothing I can do about this when he's obviously attached to Hinata, and I'm on the brink of suffocation. I probably can't play volleyball for a bit, too," he chuckles dryly, and Yaku groans in frustration, "dammit, Kuroo."

"Sorry, I've decided." Kuroo shrugs, then sighs, "can you tell everyone on the team not to tell Kenma? Please." This was the only time Kuroo begged them for something, and that meant it was serious. The two third years didn't want to, but they couldn't say no to Kuroo, especially with his condition. "Fine," they both sigh at his request, and Yaku takes out his phone to contact the others before they tell Kenma anything.

The next day, Kuroo was allowed to go back to school, but he couldn't go back to extracurricular activities. He still went to the gym during practice, but he didn't join them. Kenma watched as his best friend wasn't standing next to him. He was looking distant as he fixed the Nekoma banner in the storage room.

Since Kenma was the setter, he couldn't go talk to him. He wanted to know why he had been silent for the whole day; during their walk, all Kuroo did was stare ahead, and Kenma tried his best to do the same. It was silent. And during lunch, Kuroo had to go to the bathroom multiple times, and Yaku would always go with him. When Kenma offered to go, he would get declined. And now, Kuroo wasn't playing.

Something was wrong, and he wanted to know. Even though he couldn't see the color pink anymore and red was turning into a lighter shade each day, his feelings and concerns for Kuroo would never change. He was still worried, even when their situation was messy and confusing.

"Kuro."

Oh, how it still makes Kuroo's heart clench, but now it also brings immense pain in his chest and throat. He'll miss the feeling of being excited when he hears his nickname; he'll miss feeling the joy in walking with him and teasing him, as well as always asking him to go anywhere with him. He'll miss feeling ecstatic just by being with him, with his love mixed in it all.

"Hm?" Kuroo turns around and looks over to the doors of the storage room. "Are you okay? You've been quiet all day, and you're not joining practice," Kenma's concerned voice caused tremors in Kuroo's heart. The itch in his neck threatened to make him cough right in front of Kenma, but he kept it in. "I'm feeling a little sick today, I asked permission from the coach, and I didn't tell you so you wouldn't worry."

_But you tell me anyway before._

Kenma bit his tongue, and he nodded, "okay. I hope you get better," he then left the storage room to go back to practice. There was something wrong, and he couldn't help but think of the worst. Kuroo always told him if there was something wrong with him so Kenma would be aware, but this sudden "I didn't tell you" caught him off guard. But then again, Kenma was hiding something from him too.

But Kenma wasn't acting suspicious, and Kuroo not joining and saying things like this out of the blue worried Kenma down to his core. He didn't know what to do again or what to say to make him feel better. If he really was sick, should he have been more thoughtful? Caring, maybe? He looked back at Kuroo, and he was on his phone. _Oh_.

He hated his jealousy over Tsukishima, but every time he saw Kuroo talking to Tsukishima on his phone, it sends a feeling through Kenma that he doesn't experience often, but now was.

Kenma ended up not saying anything to Kuroo during the ride home. They were quiet, Kenma was tired, and Kuroo wasn't talkative for the day. That alone was odd for their pair, and it made Kenma uncomfortable, but it wasn't as if he was the type to strike a conversation, especially when he was jealous over Tsukishima just a while ago.

They went home saying quiet "good nights" that day, both getting home with regrets in their systems. Kuroo wanted to say something the whole time, but he was trying to control the cough that threatened to come out during the train ride home. It was hard to keep it in when he spent most of his time with him, and every thought was about him. He spaced out most of the time in the gym, thinking of his best friend and how he'd get his feelings surgically removed. It was so much for Kuroo to handle, but he was ready to go through it.

It was the same the next day, Kuroo was quiet and distant again, and it greatly bothered Kenma. He didn't open up to Inouka or Fukunaga, or even Yamamoto, since he didn't know what to ask or tell them. Were they supposed to know about everything going on? They didn't even know about Kenma's condition, which had worsened. He hated it, but he'd get home, try to play a game, but Kuroo would run through his mind, and tears would fall from his eyes.

The hushed twinkles, the pigmented tears, and the overflowing feelings would consume him. He looked over to his Nekoma uniform the night before; he could no longer see his school's color. He wondered what the next color would be gone or fade the next day and what would cause it. With how he saw Kuroo still silent and detached from his surroundings and him, Kenma figured he was going to be drowned in tears because of the thoughts in his head and the pain in his chest again.

He felt like Kuroo was completely slipping off from his grasp. He was being taken away just like that, and along with their friendship. It hurt Kenma, and it always brought him to tears. Kuroo was someone he wanted to keep close to his heart, but with every second, minute, hour, and day it was as if he was getting much more unreachable. What was once a feeling of security was now panic and worry.

"Kenma," Yaku called, tossing him a ball as he was spaced out, looking at where Kuroo was standing near the bench. Kenma looked over to everyone who was already in position. He sighed as he prepared to toss the ball to Fukunaga.

The team was doing their best at acting like there was nothing wrong. They knew Kuroo had Hanahaki, and by his request, they acted the same and kept it as a secret from Kenma. They didn't make anything feel off or tense so that Kenma wouldn't notice. Even Lev, who's hard at keeping secrets, kept quiet about it. Everyone in the team that was once in pain for seeing them pinning for each other was now in pain by looking at how distant they had suddenly gotten and how Kuroo's condition had made things complicated, and they were yet to find out about Kenma's.

While Kenma was preparing a toss to Lev, he noticed coach Naoi approach Kuroo by the door. As he was about to jump to match with, he stopped moving when he saw Kuroo coughing violently. His whole body froze, and Lev jumped without a ball to hit. Kenma stared as coach Naoi quickly grabbed Kuroo out the door. Kenma's words were caught in his throat, and all he could say was his name. "Kuro!"

It was weak, and Kuroo probably didn't hear it. Kenma was about to drop the ball in his hands and run after him, but Yaku and Kai stopped him. Kenma looked at the both of them, and they had worried expressions on their faces as they refused to look at Kuroo being dragged out of the gym with his hands on his mouth.

Kenma's heart broke. Seeing Kuroo leaving the gym without telling him what was wrong or with him running after him, he felt helpless. He felt like that was how Kuroo was leaving his life, and all he could do was watch, behind Kai and Yaku. The others were staring at the space that Kuroo was once in, and Kenma felt his heart shatter into pieces when Kuroo was out of sight. It had finally come full circle, that in a way, that was it. There was something wrong with him that caused those violent coughs, and he didn't know what it was. He should have known, yet he was still in the gym with a ball in hand.

Kenma stepped back, gripping and staring at the ball in his hands. Everyone's attention was on him now, and it was then that he had finally unraveled in front of them. Their precious setter had tears in his eyes, and his hands trembled as he held the Mikasa ball. It reminded him of Kuroo, it was his favorite. That was the last straw before Kenma broke; he heard the twinkles. He couldn't stop the tears.

Everyone watched as Kenma just stared at the ball, hearing both twinkles and light sniffles and seeing blue tears drop on the ball to the floor. They all looked at each other, confused. Kenma was crying blue tears; tears are supposed to be transparent. Kenma crying right in front of them alone was surprising, but the blue tears were much more.

They didn't say anything; they didn't know _what_ to say. Even Yaku, who usually knew what to do, was out of ideas. They didn't know what was wrong with Kenma and why he was crying, why they heard twinkles, and why his tears weren't transparent. When Kenma finally dropped the ball, that was when Yaku stepped forward, "Kenma?"

Kenma didn't respond; he only stared at the once yellow and blue colored Mikasa ball, now only with pure yellow and pastel blue. He then looked at everyone; he didn't care that he had just broken down. He saw the confused and worried expressions on everyone, "sorry about that." That was all he said, but Yaku walked up to him to put a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

Kenma wiped his colored tears away and sighed, it wasn't ideal, but he had no choice but to tell them, "I have Star Tear Disease."

A few gasped, and a few only looked at him in surprise. For some rare cases, the disease was well known in their team. Well, except Kenma. "You have what?" Kai asks in disbelief. "Star Tear Disease. I can't see red, pink, and every blue thing here is pastel blue to me." Kenma admits, and Inouka speaks up. "Because of Hinata?" Eyes are on him, and Kenma shakes his head. He wasn't surprised why they assumed such a thing, he _had_ been talking to and about Hinata for a while now, but it was because of "Kuro."

At the mention of the name, everyone's eyes widen, and Kenma sees Yaku and Kai give each other worried looks.

"What?"

Kenma's voice seemed to have snapped the two back to reality, and they looked back at him and to the others. "Kenma, Kuroo has Hanahaki." Yaku told him quietly, and Kenma's eyes widened. His heart raced, _so he was coughing violently because of that._ His mind started to ask questions, _Why didn't he tell me? Did he tell everyone else but me? He tells me everything. He could die in his condition._

"Since when?"

Yaku frowned, "the same day I saw you in the hospital." Everyone turned to him this time, and Yaku looked like he had all the weight of everything on his shoulders. He hadn't told anyone at all. Kenma furrowed his brows, _the same day I was diagnosed._

Kenma and Yaku's eyes meet at the realization of the events. "Kenma, go to the hospital right now! If they rushed Kuroo to the hospital, that probably means he got worse. He was scheduled to have surgery tomorrow morning, but I guess he had to go today."

The blond furrowed his brows, "what's that supposed to mean?" He was confused. Sure, he was worried and panicked that Kuroo was in the hospital and he was about to have surgery for his disease, but what could he do when he probably wasn't the person Kuroo loves? For all he knew it was about Tsukishima—

"He likes you, Kenma."

That was all it took for his legs to start moving, running, and speeding off to the hospital. It was the only time he was willing to use his legs this fast. He didn't have time to wait or call for a cab, so he sped through the streets to go to the nearby hospital that they both went to a day ago. Kenma's heart was racing, both out of worry and hope that maybe, just maybe, both their diseases could be cured.

He begged his legs to go faster, even when they were getting tired. The sole purpose of getting there before his surgery was what made him run as fast and as much as he could. He wanted to tell Kuroo how he felt, he wanted to stop the flowers that were filling his lungs, and he wants to hear Kuroo's confession so the colors would stop fading already. He wants all these feelings they have for each other to be finally reciprocated and all the tension and uneasiness in the air to disappear and go back to normal. To have misunderstandings be understood, to have explanations to questions, to have everything set right again. Kenma wanted all of those.

If only he had gotten there quicker.

There stood his parents outside the operating room. Kenma panted; he had been the most disheveled in his whole life. He ran as fast as he could, but he was too late. Oh, how Kenma's world shattered right before him. He collapsed on the ground, his legs feeling like jelly, his sweat falling from his face, and his chest heaving for air. Kuroo's parents approached him and gave him water, "Kenma! They just got him in. He'll be fine in a few hours."

 _Just got him in._ A few minutes. That was what he needed, and yet. He was still too late.

When he was able to catch his breath, he was helped by Kuroo's parents to sit on one of the benches outside of the operating room. The three of them sat there in silence. Kenma hung his head low, his eyes looking lifeless as all the colors were slowly leaving his eyes. There were tears in his eyes, he was about to break down again, but this time, it was in front of Kuroo's parents. Oh, how much of a mess he was this day.

The twinkling started, and there, he couldn't stop it. The tears fell freely from his eyes, the last pigments of blue leaving quickly. He didn't make a sound except for the twinkling, and his hair covered his eyes, and he hoped that Kuroo's parents wouldn't notice, or if that they did, they would let him be. Everything was falling apart, and once again, Kenma had no idea what to do about it. Kuroo will leave that room without his feelings for Kenma anymore, and he _will_ end up either color blind or blind.

Once Kuroo exits that room, Kenma won't be anyone special to him anymore. If what Yaku said is true, they could have a chance, but now that he was going through surgery, there was none. There was no possibility. Kenma's regrets came crawling on his back. He regrets not telling him, being afraid, and always waiting for Kuroo. He regrets being taken over by jealousy, too.

He was blinded by his jealousy of Tsukishima and his feelings being all over the place. He regrets not doing anything. Because now, Kuroo's heart will no longer be for Kenma, but for anyone else. Kenma's feelings were going to be useless.

It hurt to think that Kuroo really had feelings for him. He wished he could have just listened to the team and stopped letting himself be scared of everything. Kuroo always told him to try new things, to take leaps of faith, but there he was, having regrets because he didn't take that advice and was now suffering the consequences. It hurt to think that things would never be the same ever again.

Kuroo wouldn't have his love for Kenma, and Kenma would be colorblind suffering and in pain for his unrequited love that could have been reciprocated if he could have gotten there sooner.

Kenma stayed in a fetal position on the bench for the three-hour duration of Kuroo's surgery. His mind wandering, his mind regretting, and his tears flowing. It hadn't entirely stopped for the past three hours. Every time Kenma would remember something, or he'd realized something he'd regretted not showing or telling Kuroo, tears would appear at the corner of his eyes. He hasn't looked at anything or anyone since, but he didn't care. He wondered what kinds of colors he's shed and how much more of the colors he'd be able to see when he raised his head. He wonders if he'll see the color of Kuroo's eyes when he wakes up on the hospital bed.

When they brought Kuroo out to transfer to his room, it was when Kenma finally raised his head. The lack of colors around him made him pause all his movements for a bit. Blue had finally gone, and so did yellow. When he saw Kuroo's parents, he noticed that Kuroo's mother's brown bag had turned paler than before. When Kenma's eyes landed on Kuroo's unconscious body being taken to his room, he felt his heart break again.

He followed behind his parents to his room. He sat inside while Kuroo's parents talked to the doctor outside. He stared at Kuroo, and he observed his steady breathing, the bandages around him, and the peaceful expression on his face. Kenma wanted to hug him badly. He wasn't the type to actually want to do these things, but after that's happened, he wanted — _needed_ to hug Kuroo. He wanted to hold him close; he wanted to make Kuroo feel his feelings through a single hug, where words weren't needed. But the fact that his feelings weren't going to be reciprocated made Kenma stop the urge to hold him.

So, he simply put his hand on his hair. A small but sad smile appeared on Kenma's lips, the surgery was done. Kenma's feelings were useless, his disease would worsen, and Kuroo would never be the same again. _They_ would never be the same again. He ruffled Kuroo's hair a bit; the bed head that he used to make fun of but still found adorable was as soft as he could remember. 

He let go of his hair once he heard the door open. He looked at the doctor and his parents; there were relieved smiles on his parent's faces, and Kenma had to force out a smile to show that he was relieved as well. Kenma sat at the farthest chair; they would still have to wait for Kuroo to wake up, that would take another hour. So, Kenma made himself comfortable in his seat as his mind decided to swallow him up in regret and sadness.

When Kuroo's parents left them alone for a bit, all Kenma did was stare at Kuroo. He didn't know what else to do, and he didn't know what the first thing he would tell Kuroo once he wakes up. Should he comfort him immediately? Ask him how he's doing? Maybe he could keep quiet, and they would just stare at each other until his parents come back—

"Kenma?"

Kenma snapped out of his trance. He looked over at Kuroo; his eyes were open and tired. Kenma sighed in relief as he could still see the color in Kuroo's eyes, unlike everything else in the room. Kuroo's voice was raspy, and Kenma took it upon himself to get Kuroo a glass of water.

Kuroo watched Kenma walk over to the pitcher and the glass of water nearby. He saw that Kenma was still in his gym clothes. _He ran all the way here._ He could see how worn out his shoes were more than it used to be. He could also see how messy Kenma looked. He would have been touched and happy that Kenma did all these things, _but he didn't._

Kenma helped him sit up and gave him the glass of water. He remembers that he's imagined this scene before. Kenma taking care of him when he was admitted to the hospital because he was rarely ever taken in. Hours ago, he would have been ecstatic about the whole thing, but now, he felt nothing.

They were silent for a bit before Kenma collected all his courage to speak first, "why didn't you tell me?"

Kuroo looked at Kenma and put his glass on the bedside table. "I didn't think you needed to know." His answer brought Kenma's brows together, furrowed. "I'm your best friend. What do you _mean_ I didn't need to know?" He raised his voice, Kuroo was surprised, Kenma rarely raised his voice.

"You had Hinata," Kuroo answered, making Kenma look at him in disbelief, "Shoyo?" Kenma's sadness now mixed with confusion and a tint of anger. What was he talking about? Where was this coming from? Why was Hinata involved?

"I didn't think I needed to tell you because you had Hinata. You guys were getting so close, and I assumed you'd fallen in love with him, and that if I did this, it would be much easier for the both of us if you and Hinata dated, it would hurt le—"

"I'm in love with you, you selfish prick!" There goes his voice, being raised and his breathing uneven. It was a sight Kuroo has rarely seen, so he was terrified of Kenma yelling at him, but it annoyed him when he was called selfish.

"I did this for you. I loved you. All you talked about was Hinata, Shoyo this, Shoyo that. I figured with all the times you've spent talking to him; You'd eventually develop feelings for him. The way you ignored me when I called for you, the way you frantically texted on your phone, the way you smiled at your phone and sometimes even laughed, they hurt me. I had to do this so I wouldn't be in the way if ever you guys would end up together. I didn't want to get in the way of your happiness, and I was on the brink of suffocation anyway; it was my only option," Kuroo tells him, unable to raise his voice.

Oh, how everything Kuroo said brought tears to Kenma's eyes. The twinkles had started, and the tears had started falling. There's a confused expression on Kuroo like everyone else has with the sound of the hushed twinkles and the pigmented tears.

"I talked to Shoyo about you, Kuro. He knew everything. I told him how much I loved you and how whatever the hell was happening between us was bothering me. That I wanted to talk to you about it, but I never knew when to tell you or what to say. You always talked about Tsukishima, too; you wouldn't shut up about him. I always got jealous about how you always talked about Tsukishma, like he was the most interesting and important person in your world. It made me assume that you'd leave me for him, and I was scared. Dammit, Kuro. I love you. And now this happened, now we can't fix this, and that's why—" Kenma paused, and Kuroo stared at him. Their eyes met, fading hazel and gold. Kenma blinked, and he could no longer see hazel.

"I have Star Tear Disease, Kuro." The mention of the disease made Kuroo's eyes go wide. His heart hurt; he felt guilty that he acted irrationally. He felt terrible that everything had gotten this messy. He mostly importantly felt horrible that everything that he did this for was for nothing. Kenma was suffering, and so was he, but this time, without feelings attached. It was only the guilt and pain for both of them.

Kuroo felt terrible that he wasn't feeling anything towards Kenma anymore as he confessed everything right in front of him. There was no heart racing, just guilt, and pain from their fate.

"Did you love me, like I always did with you, Kuro?" Kenma asks, and Kuroo looks down at his hands. He remembers feeling something when he heard his nickname, but now, there was _nothing._ "I did, every single day of my life, Kenma."

There ends a friendship and a relationship where fate didn't give them a chance to be together, where jealousy had its fangs deep within their hearts and caused their feelings never to meet like they wanted to.

Now, Kuroo has no feelings for Kenma, and the latter's condition would only get worse. And no confession would turn back time and save them from their cruel fate. 

**Author's Note:**

> I did that and for w h a t . 
> 
> So, uh, henlo :D I hope you enjoyed (¿) 
> 
> Come scream at me at [Twitter](https://twitter.com/koukofii) ! I make threads there too! Some KuroKen, but mainly BokuAka :D Let's be friends and scream at each other on the tl :>
> 
> Star cluster: either of two general types of stellar assemblages held together by the mutual gravitational attraction of its members. 
> 
> Star cluster: aka. Egyptian star cluster - Red star-shaped flowers with small white centers bloom atop erect stems from spring to autumn.


End file.
